Things That Dance People Think About, an occasional series: Kenny Carpenter writes about his “final resting place” – but does anyone dig the grave subject matter?

We’ve all seen those adverts on the telly. They mostly appear during daytime TV, but can also be seen at other times. It seems that from the moment you turn 50 years old, the only advert you see on the box is one basically asking “why haven’t you died yet?”. You’re practically plankton, as far as they’re concerned.

Well, you might be surprised to discover that DJs have the same thoughts as the rest of us occasionally. Which is why I note with interest that Kenny Carpenter, who has been a DJ for some 700 years, has been thinking about his mortality – even posting a curious picture of himself at a graveyard…

Exactly what has Carpenter contemplating all about life and when his number will be called is unknown. All I do know is that he’s only 64 years young – and given we’ve already lost Paul Johnson, Ian Carey, Jason Brooks and Lisa Moody in recent months, let’s not have any more kick the bucket

Things That Dance People Think About, an occasional column: the bizarre thing techno DJ Nina Kraviz wants to do if she has a good night in the club…

DJs rarely talk about when they have a bad night. They barely speak about those occasions when they thought every mix transition was a clanger – and sure enough, that hasn’t happened this time either. DJs, on the other hand, frequently talk about when things go well.

Now, this blog believes there’s nothing wrong with taking pride in your work. You’ve got to celebrate your successes in life as much as possible – because there will be times when failure outweighs success. But I personally have my lines in the sand on how you specifically celebrate things.

But Russian techno DJ Nina Kraviz? Not so much…

I think I’ll spare the world of the sight of myself engaging in such a celebration…

Things That Dance People Think About, an occasional column: Hannah Wants makes a fruity disclosure…

As I mentioned earlier today, this blog covers stories that range from the deadly serious to the ridiculous. And here’s one which manages to cover a bit of both, weirdly enough.

As I mentioned a while ago, most DJs are notoriously bad communicators. There’s little point asking them for their views on things going in the world – in the case of the bigger names, they know full well there’s a whole team of people who have to clean things up whenever they do speak out, so they don’t.

Hence why the best that Save Our Scene UK could get for their temper tantrum was Judge Jules to deliver a speech which was as rousing as it was dull. And Jules is one of the better communicators in the scene, as anyone familiar with his lyrical metaphors from his old Radio 1 shows can testify.

And elsewhere, the most gripping thing Hannah Wants can say to her 77,000 followers on Twitter is…

Heaven help us.

Things that dance people think about, an occasional column: Scott Diaz wishes to let the world know he doesn’t care how much your baby weighs…

Scott Diaz isn’t a man afraid to go after the weighty issues of the day. Even when that weighty issue was, er, himself. He’s previously been involved in a spat with DJ Sneak, who didn’t take kindly to a few things Diaz had said about him online – you wait until he stumbles across this blog…

Anyway, a few weeks ago, I covered the truly earth shattering news that Kenny Carpenter doesn’t understand why people would wish themselves a happy birthday. And today, I bring you this. Scott Diaz does NOT care how much your baby weighs!

Most of the family don’t care either, Scott…

Things that dance people think about, an occasional column: Kenny Carpenter says don’t wish yourself happy birthday!

Time now for a new feature which will pop up at admittedly intermittent intervals. You see, DJs, artists, singers, producers and everyone else involved in music don’t spend all of their time just talking about themselves and their music. Just most of it. I know, that might well come as a surprise to you too.

Well, this column is all about documenting those more everyday things that are on the minds of people in the world of dance music. And today, it’s the turn of Kenny Carpenter. Having been a DJ for at least 475 years to my knowledge – including at the notorious Studio 54 – he comes across overall as a fairly positive person. The only time this isn’t the case is when he’s talking about house music today – then he just starts sounding like a miserable old git.

But I digress. Here’s something that grinds Kenny Carpenter’s gears…

Well, he’ll get no disagreement from me on this one. Why indeed…