Two days of protests are coming up in London this weekend. The supposedly big one is taking place today and is getting underway roughly now. This will be followed by the Save Our Scene UK temper tantrum tomorrow from midday. So, what do people going have to look forward to?
Let’s start with today. At 2pm, Danny Rampling is going to start the afternoon off with a selection of badly mixed classic house records whilst he spouts off about Boris Johnson being the new Adolf Hitler – all whilst footage repeatedly plays in the background of Piers Corbyn ripping social distancing signs off windows.
At 3.30pm, the key note speech will be made by David Icke. He’ll be joined with Laurence Fox and Denise Welch off Loose Women. Hannah Wants will provide an interpretative dance afterwards – all about freedom, naturally. Half the crowd will cheer with joy despite not having heard most of what will have been said.
Later on at 4.15pm, Solardo will turn up and play some tunes. They’ll make some plea about reopening the industry – ignoring the fact they never actually stopped work. Julia Hartley-Brewer will turn up at 4.30pm to repeat everything Icke said, only in a slightly more composed manner.
Piers Corbyn himself will appear at 5pm, alongside a collection of social distancing stickers he’ll claim are taken from the Tube – but were actually printed about an hour ago at the organisers expense. Most of the crowd will be too hungry or drunk to care what he has to say at this point, and the parade will mostly disappear as the restaurants fill up with loonies, anti-vaxxers and fruitcakes – much to the chagrin of Londoners that just want to eat their overpriced meals in peace.
In the meantime, DJ Lange will offer to go to play a set that night at the local hospital’s Covid ward. He is yet to decide whether to play his remix of “You Take My Breath Away” in protest…
Tomorrow morning, you can have my comprehensive guide to the Save Our Scene UK temper tantrum…
Looking for the Six On Saturday column? It’ll be up later this afternoon. I couldn’t resist the opportunity to make fun of moonbeams…