Last Monday, I told you about how Sterling Void, whose first wave lasted for 32 depressing years, and how he’s decided he’s the next Ernest Hemingway. “The Void Inside Of Me” is coming out at a date to be announced – or as the modern day Leo Tolstoy put it, “soon my book will be release”.

His way with words isn’t exactly up there with William Shakespeare, but I digress. Since writing that post, I got to wondering what’s going to be inside this book. I’ve yet to decide whether to approach the publishers with a $24 offer for rights to publish extracts from this literary tomb. Perhaps this exercise will help.

For starters, it almost certainly won’t mention much about the time he lived with Marshall Jefferson in the 1980s. That didn’t end well. The two worked on some tracks together – by which I mean Marshall did the track and Void scratched his arse. After being caught smoking crack in the flat, Jefferson threw him out. Shortly afterwards, Void robbed the place – pretending that Jefferson was moving out and getting help to do it. He even took the carpets.

No, he won’t mention that, will he?

Okay, let’s try this one. There was the time that he collaborated with a British producer called Neil Hipkiss on a sample pack for Loopmasters, and… oh, that didn’t end well either. It turns out Hipkiss did all the work and Void took the entire £2000 payment for himself. To this day, he still has not paid back what he stole.

He’s unlikely to mention the time he conned Cleveland P Jones, the two times he pretended he had a new release coming out on Defected Records, the fact he illegally commissions remixes of a song that masquerades as his, “Runaway Girl”, or his habit of conning people out of $24 a time on the false premise that his car has broken down and he needs an Uber to get himself home.

His drug habit will probably be referenced briefly, if even that, and he certainly won’t explain why so many producers refuse to work with him more than once.

Come to think of it, what on earth is actually going to be in it? When you edit out all the bad stuff from Void’s life – and yeah, that includes the many times he’s been in trouble with the law – there’s not really much left.

Perhaps I shall bid for the serialisation rights. I might even be prepared to go up to $48. That’ll give you a really nice Uber car to pretend to get home in, Duane…