You were going to the Warehouse Project, not Nando’s! Blagger tries to get into Manchester club using “lifetime pass” at the weekend – read on to see how owner Sacha Lord responded to the trick…

The world of Sacha Lord is a curious one. It’s a world where he thinks people should stay hydrated on a night out, yet he charges them £2.50 a time for water. It’s a world where doctors should be ordered to apologise for their predictions over Covid. And it’s a world where he condemns plague raves yet rewards DJs who played them during the pandemic.

So when someone turned up at the doors of Manchester’s Warehouse Project, which Lord owns, with a so-called lifetime pass, it caused much scratching of heads at the venue. The black card states “This pass grants the holder lifetime access to Warehouse Project events and Parklife” – which is Lord’s big festival that takes place each year.

There was just one problem. No one working at the door had seen one of these cards before. Much like the Nando’s High Five black cards, no one knew for many years whether they even existed. Lifetime passes to Warehouse Project, on the other hand, do exist – they gave two away in a competition last year.

Lord’s tweet does not elaborate on whether he actually got into the venue, except to describe the attempt as “impressive”. And he confirms in another tweet that he contacted the person in question later to give them lifetime access for real.

Here’s hoping his staff can correctly identify the genuine passes. Otherwise, it’s going to be the equivalent of using a rake to get rid of water…

Well, that’s one way of dealing with perverts! Amber D responds to weirdo who sent her “sexual private messages” by putting them all on a record – but who is the “bounce DJ” responsible?

If you’re a woman and have an internet connection, one terribly depressing fact is at some point, you’re going to get a weirdo come along who seems to think you’re desperate to see his, ahem, cocktail sausage. Which is why people are coming up with increasingly creative methods of how to tackle these sex pests.

And the way which DJ and producer Amber D – real name Amber May Dowler – has devised is rather brilliant. She’s taken the sleazy voice messages which he’s left her and put them on a record. The track in question is currently available over on her Soundcloud page and is titled “Savage Cabbage”.

Somewhat appropriately, the artwork consists of the unidentified male’s profile photo on Facebook – and Dowler was polite enough to cover his face with a cabbage. But who is the degenerate in question? Well, we already know he’s the kind of person that British tabloid newspaper, The Sunday Sport, would refer to as a “saddle sniffer”.

However, Dowler points out that “we do actually have some mutual friends and he’s a Bounce DJ”. The man’s identity remains unknown to this blog – which is probably just as well for him – and Dowler is keeping her good person credentials by stopping anyone who’s worked it out from publishing it in her comments section…

Kenny Carpenter’s sage advice to young people? Believe in yourself and take no notice of your critics – and it’s almost as if he can read my mind!

There are things about getting older which soon start to grate. Like the fact it takes just that little bit more effort to get up out of a chair. Or waking up in the morning with this mild but irritating pain in a place you’ve never had issues with before.

But it also comes with a few pleasant side effects. Not least the fact you stop caring what other people think. You realise things like peer pressure are nonsense – and you wish you’d realised things like this far sooner. The opinions of the people who know you aren’t always the most helpful ones.

And this is something Kenny Carpenter alludes to in a recent Facebook post…

This blog entirely agrees with Carpenter here. Many people told me that no one would like my music, yet I soon found a fair few did. The same happened after I launched Amateur’s House properly – the naysayers would have me believe there was no audience in looking at dance music with a critical eye. A growing readership, and a massively growing email subscription list proves them wrong.

If you don’t believe in yourself, persuading others to do so is no easy task…

Are Berghain looking for new door staff? House and garage don Scott Diaz looks like the perfect sidekick to the notorious bouncer Sven Marquardt in a new photo…

Back in 2018, Scott Diaz received an email from someone who wanted to book him for a show. Given he’s a DJ and that’s what DJs do, this is hardly breaking news. But it’s what happened next which might shock you. He received another email basically saying Diaz was “a bit overweight and just overall doesn’t really fit our Ibiza image or ethos”.

Which was terribly nice of them. Since then, Diaz has posted occasionally about how he’s looking after himself better these days – and it shows. And over the weekend, he posted this photo of him in the studio looking a bit of a hard man.

And because it’s a Sunday evening, I thought I’d have a little bit of light-hearted fun with the image…

If Scott’s ever looking for a new job, perhaps he’d look the part on EastEnders?

Or perhaps Berghain could hire him the next time they need a doorman? He looks the part…

A tour with Carl Cox, maybe?

And just because I’m here, let’s give Scott some glasses, a beard and a tiny smile for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Normal service resumes tomorrow. Probably…

Some people really need more things to do! Oakland Toy Lab discovered some years ago you could play vinyl records using two pencils and your teeth…

This blog believes that there are a lot of people in the world who simply haven’t got enough things to do with their time. Maybe it’s because I’m one of those people who likes being busy or maybe because my diagnosis is actually correct. I’ll let you be the judge of that one…

One set of people who evidently didn’t have enough to do on one particular day some years ago was The Oakland Toy Lab. Because they managed to come up with the most pointless idea since someone at Colgate in the 1980s said “I know, let’s introduce a ready meals range, with meals like Colgate Lasagne”.

They created the tooth phonograph.

Yep. It’s exactly what it says on the tin.  You get two pencils and use one to spin the vinyl record and another to listen to what’s on the record. And if you think I’m joking, here’s a full set of instructions on how you could do it yourself. Although I’d honestly worry about the sanity of anyone who willingly wanted to.

It all reminds me of the last episode of British comedy Blackadder. It’s the first world war, and they’ve been told they’re leaving the trenches tomorrow – going over the top to a near certain death at the hands of enemy gunfire. Blackadder recalls how men would previously try to get out of the war by sticking a pair of underpants on their heads and two pencils up their nose to convince everyone they’d gone mad.

These tooth phonograph people are well and truly up at that level of bonkers…

Did you travel back in time to get the money, Duane? Sterling Void tells followers it’s been a “great day” alongside a picture of a bag full of money – which first appeared online in 2009…

Sterling Void is a man known for telling stories which later turn out to be nonsense. I should know – he once asked me to remix a song which he told me was coming out on Defected. He once claimed to be working on a book called “The Void Inside Of Me” – it has never been released.

Or there was the particularly bizarre tale, even by Void’s standards, of how his mother died for the second time and he tried to raise the miserly sum of $152 to pay for her funeral. Yes, Sterling Void – real name Duane Pelt – has a habit of making statements of highly questionable accuracy.

And this is something which hasn’t changed over the years. Infact, he was at it again this week. On Thursday, he posted a photo of a bag of money with the caption “Great day today”. Seeing the low resolution of this photo made me suspicious – so I did a reverse image search.

And look at what I found…

According to TinEye, the photo Void published first appeared online on November 8th, 2009. So either Void has developed a time travel machine and been to pick up bags of money from at least 12 years ago – or he’s once again reciting what I’d politely call terminological inexactitudes…

See you next Tuesday? Why Mr C’s latest plan to boost a Facebook post simply featuring his favourite four-lettered obscenity is unlikely to have the affect he (and secretly the rest of us) all hope for…

In an age of anodyne social media pages which are clearly run by social media managers who know everything about an algorithm but nothing about how to create posts which are actually interesting or engaging, Mr C’s Facebook page is a real breath of fresh air. He’s one of few people who I’d actively recommend following on the site – things go from very serious debates about important matters to, well, more inane stuff.

Mr C, real name Richard West, was apparently in one of his sillier moods on Monday. He simply posted, ahem, a four-lettered swear word. It’s the word Boris Johnson was repeatedly referred to as in this song. And after a few people had some fun in the comments – mostly about the obscenity itself – he came up with the idea of boosting the post.

West now claims he’s sent in the request to Facebook HQ – but at the time of publishing, there’s no word on whether the ad has been accepted or not. Facebook’s own rules do have a potential loophole within them – they say “profane language, including profanity that is partially obscured by asteriks or symbols” aren’t permitted.

But they don’t say anything about plain old presses of the space bar between letters…

Is there anyone you can trust these days? Claude VonStroke reveals there’s a fake Dirtybird label being run right now… and he reveals how to avoid being scammed

The Simpsons broadcast an episode called “Wizard of Evergreen Terrace” for the first time in September 1998. In it, Homer Simpson tries to overcome a midlife crisis by inventing new gadgets, which mostly turn out to be hopeless. In one scene, the camera cuts to the TV – newscaster Kent Brockman is speaking and says “Authorities say the phony Pope can be recognised by his high-top speakers and incredibly foul mouth”.

One can only wonder, then, how we’re meant to identify the phony Dirtybird Records currently doing the rounds. According to label boss Claude VonStroke, this really is a problem and has had to tweet this reminder…

We already have reports circulating on the internet about fake drugs. At this rate, it won’t be long before a Twitter account is set up to share information about fake record labels. Such is 2021…