Because you couldn’t get spiked by a woman, could you? The well intentioned but hopeless plan by Nottingham’s Playwright to hold women’s only nights – just don’t expect to get a bite to eat!

I read over the weekend that a pub in Nottingham has decided to start holding women only nights. That’s right – not a single man will be permitted entry onto the premises.

And that even includes the staff. Which is going to result in the ladies who frequent the Playwright on these nights having to go elsewhere for food – because the pub’s chef is a man. Do the people who run this place harbour the impression women don’t eat?

Apparently, they’re doing it because they think it’ll make women safer – if not hungrier. This blog is of the opinion it’s an utterly stupid idea which could actually put women in more danger. You see, because they can’t eat anything, they’re going to end up drunk more quickly. So they’ll have to order less alcohol, which will lose the venue money.

You’ll either have to eat earlier, which gives you less time in this sort of women’s sanctuary they have in mind. Or you’ll have to go and get something from a chip shop or the Chinese takeaway on your way home – by which point, you’re probably inebriated and not in the safe space anymore.

They’ve really not thought this through, have they? They’re going to make less money on these nights due to having no food to sell. They’re giving women a poorer service simply due to the fact they’re women – something which would result in howls of outrage in any other context. And they’re also assuming that it’s only men capable of spiking a drink – or of the current disturbing crime of needle spiking.

But what really worries me about this plan is it feeds the disturbing idea that all men are inherently dangerous and not to be trusted. As the father of two sons who is trying to raise them to have a deep respect for women – something fostered into me by my own mother – these kinds of messages don’t help.

Now, I’m not saying us men are perfect by any means. There are undeniably some creeps in our midst – heck, I spend a fair amount of time writing about one or two of them on this blog. They deserve to be called out and their feet held to the fire, without a doubt.

But preaching the idea that men are not to be trusted is an incredibly dangerous thing to do – and it will backfire. If you push this far enough, you’re going to end up with men who refuse to get involved with women.

Restricting a pub to just women a few nights a week obviously won’t lead to that. But it’s the start of a very slippery slope – and I’m not sure anyone has really thought about the consequences…

Can you dance without a mask on when ordering a drink at the bar? Just some of the rules in place as Irish nightclubs reopen today – but those of you in Northern Ireland will have to wait another week!

Nightclubs are finally open again as of today in Ireland. For the past three months, a curious anomaly has been in place where if you lived on the island of Ireland and fancied going to a club, it meant a flight across the Irish Sea. They were closed on both sides of the border, with Stormont and Dublin showing little interest in reopening them.

So if you intend to go clubbing tonight in Dublin, Cork, Galway, Limerick or wherever, what rules do you have to follow? Well, for starters, you must be able to prove you’re double jabbed. Quite simply, if you’re not, you won’t be allowed in. I can’t help but suspect this is a policy which will soon ensure Garda Siochana* are busy trying to close down illegal raves, but I digress.

Elsewhere, you’ll need to wear a face mask. Except when drinking. You won’t need one whilst doing that. Or whilst having a dance. Capacity is restricted to 1500 people when standing up, but more if some people are sitting down. Quite how you ensure no more than 1500 people are on their feet at any one time is something the Taoiseach** has yet to explain.

Oh, and bar service is allowed once again. This one doesn’t just apply to nightclubs. However, people will need to put on a mask to go to the bar and order their drink, return to the table wearing the mask and take it off to actually drink the damn thing. And pretty much the only way to avoid having to wear a mask whilst ordering a drink at the bar is to dance whilst in the queue.

Which, by the way, you have to do in a socially distanced manner. Yes, you have to remain two metres apart in a queue for the bar. Which goes down to one meter if you’re wearing a mask, but goes up to two again if you’re dancing which means you won’t be wearing a mask. Because you’re dancing.

And none of these rules apply in Northern Ireland. Because it’s under different rules, where nightclubs remain closed until Halloween – but rest assured some civil servant in Belfast is writing all this stuff down and working out if they can make the Northern Irish rules even more baffling to follow.

After all that, I need to go and have a coffee. Extra shot of Baileys in this one, please!

* The official name for the Irish police. ** Irish term for Prime Minister.

Do you REALLY want your name appearing next to this loser, Kenny? Panasonic owned Technics use dubious endorsement from Derrick May for their SL-1200 turntables – but wait until you read what he didn’t tell them!

Some businesses out there, despite making their name in a particular area, seem to know next to nothing about their market. Eventually, everyone else notices. I can’t quite work out what other explanation there is for this goof up from the Panasonic owned Technics.

Their turntables aren’t as good as they used to be – and don’t take my word for it. Take, instead, the word of Richard Talmage, an engineer with over 30 years experience of fixing things from turntables to military hardware. He wrote a review on Facebook of the Technics SL-1200MK7 – and was absolutely scathing.

And by the looks of it, they don’t know the dance music scene very well, either. This is where Technics made their name years ago with high quality turntables which were built to last and built with professional DJs in mind. To this day, you’ll barely read a criticism of them – because they lived up to the hype.

Derrick May’s name now appears on a page promoting the SL-1200 turntables on their own website. For a company like Technics to actually use an endorsement from a man accused of numerous sexual assaults is just staggering. They either pay no attention at all to what happens in the dance music scene, or they don’t care. Technics have been approached for comment on which one it is.

His fawning review appears next to that of Kenny “Dope” Gonzalez, one half of Masters At Work. For Gonzalez, his next move should be to contact Technics and ask what the hell they’re playing at – but given he believes that the so-called Detroit techno originators are “my brothers”, this doesn’t seem likely.

But there was one detail of May’s past with Technics turntables which, curiously, didn’t make the final cut. According to Michael James, “Derrick May didn’t mention that he stole plenty of Technics’s products using a credit card scam in the 1980s”.

This blog can’t possibly imagine why this detail didn’t appear in the testimonial…

Credit to Michael James goes for this brilliant find.

“He’s changed, he’s a more humble guy now”: the bizarre words of a friend who’s been trying to line up an interview to welcome Derrick May back into the dance music fold…

The news coming from my sources in Detroit get more and more surreal with each passing day. And the latest one is possibly the strangest yet. Derrick May’s friends have been talking about how he could rehabilitate himself in the dance music community – and it’s hard to tell whether they’re being serious or not.

According to a source, who confirms May was not present for the discussion, he said “A couple of us got together about a week ago and the topic Derrick came up in conversation. He’s been boasting about having a busy weekend on the way, and someone joked that he wasn’t going to have many.”.

He went on: “So another guy asked how May was going to come back from all this. And the idea came about that he should do an interview with some sympathetic journalist. But talk soon turned to jokes about how terrible an idea that was”.

Only it turns out one person in that room didn’t get the hint. Apparently, he’s been contacting every person in the journalism world to talk about the prospect of a rehabilitatory Derrick May interview. Which, let’s face it, is an highly amusing prospect.

The sight of May crying crocodile tears whilst saying how sorry he’s pretending he is for the way he’s treated women in the past – whilst not actually admitting to any of the allegations, of course – is one which would give me several days of content alone. But this person clearly hasn’t thought about how this interview would be received, nor had a single thought about what the victims would make of it all.

Whether May knows anything about what his friend has been doing is unknown. But is this plan even remotely feasible? I put the question to a former editor of one of the dance music magazines.

Speaking strictly off the record, he simply said “Er, there isn’t a f***ing chance it would happen. I don’t know who’d honestly be the most stupid if this went ahead”…

EXCLUSIVE: Funny you didn’t mention that bit! T Markakis happily ranted at Glasgow Underground online – but failed to disclose where the samples from “That Jazz Feeling” REALLY came from…

Oh, what a difference a week makes. Last weekend, Greek producer T Markakis ranted online – making allegations that record label Glasgow Underground hadn’t paid him for his most recent release. Label boss Kevin McKay made a statement denying all his allegations.

But in the middle of last week, things went quiet. The steady flow of arguments and counter arguments stopped. For some reason, T Markakis didn’t wish to continue the fight he’d started. Now, Amateur’s House can reveal that there was a little bit more going on – which Markakis curiously didn’t mention in his rant.

T Markakis released two singles through Glasgow Underground during 2020. The first was called “That Jazz Feeling” and the second was “You Got The Love”. The latter of these two was a cover of Candi Staton’s song, first released in 1986. And as I understand it, the original demo contained the Candi Staton acapella – which had to be re-recorded for the track to be released.

But he didn’t tell anyone where the samples from the first record came from. So allow me to help out. The jazz appears to have come from a 1986 release called “Skain’s Domain” by Wynton Marsalis. It starts from around 3 minutes and 53 seconds in. And as for the vocals on “That Jazz Feeling”?

They were lifted directly from “Bring Back That Feeling” by Jason Jinx. The song was originally released on Subliminal back in 2000. Sadly, I will never know if Jinx approved of the song – he died two years ago. But he didn’t mention any of this information to Glasgow Underground at the time of signing it to them.

The result? I’m reliably informed that both of Markakis’s releases are in the process of being removed from the Glasgow Underground archives. The process will take a few days, but should be finished soon. Both productions from Markakis will be removed from both downloads and streaming of any kind.

Being effectively cancelled by one of the biggest labels in house music isn’t going to do your career any good, Tasos…

Well, that’s one way of dealing with perverts! Amber D responds to weirdo who sent her “sexual private messages” by putting them all on a record – but who is the “bounce DJ” responsible?

If you’re a woman and have an internet connection, one terribly depressing fact is at some point, you’re going to get a weirdo come along who seems to think you’re desperate to see his, ahem, cocktail sausage. Which is why people are coming up with increasingly creative methods of how to tackle these sex pests.

And the way which DJ and producer Amber D – real name Amber May Dowler – has devised is rather brilliant. She’s taken the sleazy voice messages which he’s left her and put them on a record. The track in question is currently available over on her Soundcloud page and is titled “Savage Cabbage”.

Somewhat appropriately, the artwork consists of the unidentified male’s profile photo on Facebook – and Dowler was polite enough to cover his face with a cabbage. But who is the degenerate in question? Well, we already know he’s the kind of person that British tabloid newspaper, The Sunday Sport, would refer to as a “saddle sniffer”.

However, Dowler points out that “we do actually have some mutual friends and he’s a Bounce DJ”. The man’s identity remains unknown to this blog – which is probably just as well for him – and Dowler is keeping her good person credentials by stopping anyone who’s worked it out from publishing it in her comments section…

Shout out to his family! As godfather of EDM (according to ABC, anyway) David Guetta wins the DJ Mag Top 100 DJs poll for the second year, a reminder of his bizarre tribute to George Floyd…

I suppose a big shout out is in order for Mr Pierre David Guetta on his victory in the DJ Mag Top 100 DJs poll for 2021. He’s a man who attracts as much scorn as he does adulation – he might be a rich man thanks to very clever decisions, yet he also curiously employs a solicitor who can’t tell when something is satire.

Now, this blog firmly believes mocking David Guetta is like spanking a man in a gimp suit. It only uses your own energy and you suspect the bloke in the suit likes what you’re doing.  So I thought I’d let Guetta spank his own bottom for the purpose of this post.

Cast your mind back to May 25th last year. This was the day George Floyd drew his last breath. He had been arrested by three police officers on suspicion of using a fake $20 bill. Since that fateful day – in which a police officer kneeled on his neck – Derek Chauvin has been convicted of murder. The event catapulted the Black Lives Matter movement into the public eye.

The world of music was acutely aware of what was going on – and unbeknown to the rest of us, so was David Guetta. On May 31st, he was doing a show in New York City which was being broadcast online to raise money for Covid-19 relief charities. And to give the man credit, his show raised over £400k for a good cause. But one moment caused notably raised eyebrows.

He announced that he’d made a song “in honour of George Floyd”. And in a moment which made millions of toes collectively curl, he announced “shout out to his family”. But you have to see this in full to appreciate it for its irredeemable naffness…

Words fail me, even now… 

Has Chris Morris taken over as editor of Resident Advisor? Publication of a truly weird article about Medieval-themed “neofolk” raves leave readers wondering if they’ve walked into a (particularly highbrow) episode of Brass Eye…

Last year, Resident Advisor ended up in deep trouble. Infact, had they not received their £750k bailout from Arts Council England last year, chances are the company would no longer exist. And that would, of course, be a terrible thing – said admittedly not very many people.

Now, one of the things Resident Advisor frequently tell us is that they represent dance music culture. Dance music culture now covers such a broad range of people and subjects that this aim is – and there’s no easy way to put this – fundamentally impossible for one website to achieve. Yet this doesn’t stop them from trying.

It’s also the reason why current editor-in-chief Whitney Wei got the job. She was brought into Resident Advisor because, according to co-founder Paul Clement, “she will bring a fresh approach as we continue to evolve”. Taken with her own words about “inclusive storytelling”, I take this to mean Resident Advisor wants to start covering things they don’t normally cover.

Now, this blog has no problem with anyone covering stories which aren’t being covered elsewhere. Indeed, it’s partly why I set up Amateur’s House. The trouble with that is in order to do it properly, you need one of two things. You either need journalists who know their subject inside out, or you need journalists who know people who will have the information.

Otherwise, you end up publishing rubbish such as this. From the very beginning of the article, you get the feeling you’re about to read a parody. For example, for “partygoers are reviving radical folkloric aesthetics to cope with an increasingly precarious world”, read as “ravers are putting on Medieval themed fancy dress”.

Having read the article, I assure you it gets no better. And yet again, I find myself asking – what DO the editors at Resident Advisor do with themselves all day? I’d be embarrassed at the thought of even publishing such unreadable drivel on my blog, let alone a major dance music website…